Send Genevieve your mom training or pacing questions, tips, and tools. You can email her at gen@sportofmotherhood.com. For more information about her book, workshops or cable show, visit the TV show or classes page. (Submissions may be edited for length or clarity).

Dear Just Curious,          

If you pick a realistic weekly MINIMUM that you can meet, you can maintain your goal week after week. Additional goal time that exceeds your weekly MINIMUM is BONUS. You can apply the Minimum/Bonus strategy to any goal such as writing, gardening, weight-loss, learning a foreign language or research. I will use fitness for this example.

I could not get motivated to run after having my first baby. I was slow and carrying around baby weight. Running was no longer fun but a depressing experience.  My husband Keen, a former a professional athlete, suggested that if I worked out 1xWeek, that it was better than 0 times. If I worked out 2xWeek, that second time was BONUS. I needed to get consistent first and keep my weekly minimum. Keen helped me to start with where I was. This was the origin of Minimum/Bonus, and I have used this strategy ever since.

The Minimum/Bonus Strategy has helped many moms get started and maintain a goal.  Pick a weekly minimum that works for you. My fitness program is now 3xWeek. Whether kids are sick or I have a lot of work, I can always work out 3xWeek.

Another mom finds working out 1xWeek to be not enough, so she works out 5xWeek but for shorter workouts.  This makes working out manageable for her and helps her keep her weekly routine.

The key is consistency. If you consistently work out and meet your realistic minimum, you will get or stay in shape and be healthy. If your weekly minimum is too high, you are setting yourself up for failure. Pretty soon you feel discouraged and have lost your momentum. Remember, once you start and get moving, it is easier to keep moving.

            Whether you meet your weekly minimum or go beyond it to Bonus, you are successful.  Sport of Motherhood is all about pacing for life while leading a full life. Setting a realistic pace helps you succeed!

Sincerely,
Genevieve

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Dear Work-from-home mom,

            I use the Pressure Point Strategy for this one. You begin by identifying a typical pressure point. For some moms, it is leaving the house on time to get the kids to school. For you, it is showing up at meetings feeling prepared.  Examine your entire day. Then, examine your entire daily schedule and find a 15-min “cushion” that would help you be on time. It may be a carpool on meeting day. Or take something else off of your list to build in the transition time that you need.  To get kids to school on time, some moms set the table the night before or have their kids dressed and hair brushed before eating breakfast.

            Since I work from home, I relate very well to your questions and recognize that I need some transition time, even 5-10 minutes, between kid-mode and work-mode. So I build that into my schedule when I can.

Hope that helps!

Genevieve

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Eva,

I hear this question a lot. We want to go from A to C but need B.  B is how to get going, to get started, to get motivated.  Lucy Rector Filppu, humor columnist, responded: “There is nothing like a great friend. Someone to cheer you on. It can be very lonely to change even one thing.” 

Assess your support network and figure out who is an ally. Who can cheer you on and help you go the distance. Sometimes it is someone with a shared interest who you may find in a class or group such as a writing group or walking group. Other times, it is someone who knows you as a mom and has a sense of the daily or weekly hurdles that you are up against.  Many moms also seek the anonymity and honesty found in Internet chat rooms. 

Start small.  Family Therapist Bat-Ami Kleijner recommended setting realistic goals. “Don’t start with that you are going to have a social network next year. Start with calling 1 person by next week.”  Dr. Alison Byers added, “Appreciate each step you take. We often don’t give ourselves credit for the small things we do each day.”

Get a buddy. Start small. Set manageable goals in a realistic time frame. Write down your progress on a calendar so that you can see your daily or weekly successes. And try to enjoy the ride!

Sincerely, Genevieve

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Dear Sally,

Just as you learn to pace yourself during the holiday, you can pace your family with opening presents.   You can also edit. Stash some gifts to bring out another time of year or to donate to those in need.  Some families put on a birthday invitation, “please do not bring presents” and others ask guests to donate to X charity that the child and family has picked out.  My family went to a birthday party where the children were each asked to bring one of their favorite stuffed animals to donate to a charity. It went over very well. You can also ask grandparents to donate to a charity in your child’s behalf or to adopt a family in need. Remind them that this helps your child understand the value of giving.

Hope that helps.

Sincerely, Genevieve

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Dear Dad who is Looking for Ideas,

Since you asked this question on my cable show and got great feedback, I wanted to share these suggestions with my readers.

You and your kids can plant a living plant, flower or rosebush – a suggestion by Dr. Alison Byers, psychologist.  Lucy Rector Filppu, humor columnist and mom on the show, suggested creating an altar or special place in your house with some pictures and memorabilia. The kids can go look, touch, and even add their drawings to the collection. It helps the children feel connected to the grandparent.

Hope that helps.

Sincerely, Genevieve

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Dear Dispirited,

Holiday madness is upon you.  The end of the year is often packed with writing  holiday cards, gift-buying, wrapping and mailing, and attending end-of year celebrations, children’s performances, and parties. In addition, you throw in financial stress, family expectations, and additional cooking – whether it is cookies or gourmet dinners, both take time. 

Just so you know, many others have to actively pace themselves during this busy time so that they are not sprinting through the days. Try to edit wherever possible.  For example, if you have 2 -3 events in one night, just pick one.  Give you and your family room to breathe. 

Bring in the team. How can your family be team players and lighten your load? Have older children and your partner, if you have one, help you with the holiday cards or presents for a giving tree. Maybe they already help some, maybe not. Increase their participation. You can also send New Year’s or Valentine’s cards instead. Or skip a year!

Let some things go.  Where can you edit? Where can you combine activities? Streamline responsibilities and activities wherever possible.

Refuel and recharge by taking care of basic sleep, fuel and exercise needs. Make time to go to that meditative or religious talk. Walk in nature solo or with a friend. Reconnect with the meaning and purpose of the holidays, and you can regain your perspective.

Sincerely,
Genevieve

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Dear Working on Sibling Dynamics,

Just so you know, you are dealing with a common sibling scenario. When one child has something, often the others want their own play date, new pair of shoes or treat. Let’s address play dates. Explain to the kids that you and the kids are part of a TEAM. You work together to help a play date happen. Maybe while one has a play date, the other two get a special time with mom or can join in for a part of the play date via group activity such as a craft, board game, basketball game, dress-up, or snack.  Next time, they will have a turn.

Set up the guidelines ahead of time. For some families, 20 minutes – 1 hour of play date must include siblings. Then the play date duo gets the rest of time to itself to play. Golden rule applies here though: they must include the siblings nicely during that shared play time; otherwise, they lose the privilege of having play dates.

Some ages and stages of siblings are more challenging than others and play dates can become too taxing. In that case, try “group play dates” (including the moms) after school or at a playground instead of private ones at home. Remind the kids that this counts as a play date.

At one point, I dropped private play dates for a few months because one child was always complaining loudly about not having one at the same time and the other was having a hard time including siblings during the shared time. The consequences for their behavior: no play dates for while.  If play dates are too hard on mom, I explained, we don’t have them. The break was helpful, and we slowly added them again. I can still refer to that no play date time if I need to get kids back on track.

I also recommend limiting play dates to 1.5-2 hours since you have younger kids. That way if someone is tired or the sibling dynamic is tough, it is only for a short amount of time. If the kids want more time because it went so well, remind them that it’s a great way to leave a play date – wanting more!

Sincerely,
Genevieve

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Dear Frustrated,

For the younger set, charts and reward systems can be helpful. For example, write out the chores you expect done each week and you or child put a check or sticker by item when accomplished. Some people like to reward kids at end of week with a small toy or some pocket money for chores done. (You can get easy chore charts at Office Depot or office supply stores, or make your own monthly chore chart). 

For the older set, link chores to allowance or something else that affects them immediately. They do not get their allowance if they do not earn it. Or you can try something else like limiting or earning phone time; limiting or earning bed times.

As parents, we are teaching our children to become self-reliant responsible adults. By enforcing chores, we are providing them with necessary life skills so that they have an easier time when they leave the nest. They are also helping you and your family go the distance and enjoy the course of the day. I hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Genevieve
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Dear "Mama Mush Brain,"
The big joke about motherhood is that once you have a baby you go brain dead or can't string a sentence together. Okay, I agree a bit. New babies and sleep deprivation can temporarily take away a mental sharpness. Toddlers can bring up all of your danger radars, which take energy and focus to maintain. Which outlet, BandAid, bug, paper clip, pebble, or small toy will your child try to eat today? Then you have the curious runners who want to dart away from you in a parking lot, store, or at a playground. Finally, you have the daily "No!" and "I can do by self!" dramas that sap your energy. And what about those sleepless nights due to musical beds, teething, illnesses or . . . you fill in the blank.
What kind of intellectual food do you need or crave? Whether you are working or staying at home, you can add books on tape or music to your walks and car rides. Multi-task and enjoy the journey. Some moms I interviewed found that book club deadlines pushed them to read more books and add more variety to their book diet. The ensuing discussions "were stimulating." Others sought non-credit or credit classes related to personal goals or career training.
Still others traded a little sleep time for personal time. Several moms work late into the night to make time for a passion. Barbara, mom of two who works part-time says, "I am a night owl and love to stay awake in the wee hours of the morning. I do great artwork when my brain is clear and the silence is unmistakable."
Since you have a newborn, I recommend making sleep a priority. Try to nap when the baby naps, and take some things off of your to-do list to help you feel more alert and cognizant. Whatever you do, take it in stride and look for the humor. You will get your mind back - and then some!
Sincerely,
Genevieve
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Dear "Getting the Whining Blues,"
Just like a marathoner hits the wall, or mile 18 in a marathon, moms can hit walls in their parenting. Whining can happen at any age and can absolutely drive you up the wall or help you "hit the wall" in your daily or weekly mom marathon. Don't just ignore it. Address it.

Some moms use the "I can't hear you if you are whining" approach. Others ask the child to "repeat the question using a nice voice." Or you can try what I like to call the "Double D's": Distraction or Diversion. I also use the "You are showing me that you are tired and need 15 extra minutes of rest time or need to go to bed 15 minutes early." The latter strategy can also be applied to sibling fights. I do think that attitude is the key to keeping your emotional state in check and helping you go the distance. Karen, a mom of three, sums it up nicely: "I remind myself that this stage won't last forever."
Sincerely,
Genevieve
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Dear Cluttered and Befuddled,
So many moms, including me, can relate to your situation. You sound like you are looking for a family game plan. Here are some tips and tools gathered from moms I've interviewed:
1. Tackle paper clutter ASAP - As soon as mail comes in, give it a home (file, to-do pile) or put in recycling. Once a week, go through to-do pile and throw more away. Ask yourself, "If I haven't gotten to it within 1 week, will I really get to it?"
2. Put a shelf-life on kids' artwork - Some moms rotate each week. Projects and crafts are up on fridge, bulletin boards or special shelf for one week, and then they are either given away or put in recycling. (Older neighbors in community and in nearby nursing homes really appreciate kids' artwork. So you can easily spread the good cheer). Every once in awhile keep a special project and put it in child's Memory Box.
3. Give each child one large Memory Box - Can get a large cardboard decorated box for just a few dollars at Ikea, Target, etc., or use a large plastic bin. The decorated box can go on top of a dresser or under a bed - and be out of the way. Each child gets one, not per year, but one for all years at least up though end of high school. Put special school work and art projects in it. At the end of each school year, your child (with or without you) can sort and get rid of some items to make room for the new. Think of it in terms of Ann Morrow Lindbergh's theme in Gift From the Sea: less is more.
4. Organize the family - Use labels and pictures with younger kids. Label kitchen cabinets, garage storage shelves, closets bins or storage containers. Eliminate the need to re-do work by having items go into the right spot the first time.
5. Do a 5-10 min pick-up - Have whole family do a 5-10 minute pick-up each day. Make it a game. Put on some fun music or sing a funny song if you want.
6. Stay on top of clutter - Make de-cluttering a goal. Shoot for 15 minutes a day, 3-4 days a week. Log it on your calendar so that you see you are making progress and accomplishing something. You will often go past 15 minutes because you have started. Starting can be the hardest part.
7. Edit whenever possible - Ask yourself when shopping, "Do I really need the item? Where will I put it?" If you don't have a place for it, don't get it.
8. Take out the De-clutter Bag - Once a month, take out a garbage bag and put some of the toys the kids don't seem to be playing with into it. Also put in some of your own items, clothing, shoes, etc. Then put in garage for a couple of weeks. If the kids don't ask for the items and you haven't missed yours, you can then donate to Goodwill.
If you want more ideas, check out these resources: Julie Morgenstern's Organizing from the Inside Out: The Foolproof System For Organizing Your Home, Your Office and Your Life (very practical and helps you think of HOW you set up your systems); Deniece Schofield's Confessions of an Organized Homemaker: The Secrets of Uncluttering Your Home and Taking Control of Your Life (full of ideas, some more obvious than others); and Elaine St. James and Vera Cole's Simplify Your Life with Kids: 100 Ways to Make Family Life Easier and More Fun (a slow-down, take your time, get the family on the same page kind of book). In addition, I continue to have workshop attendees and interviewees swear by the peppy website www.flylady.com that is filled with manageable tips and tools for keeping your life organized and getting rid of unnecessary items. Remember this: If you plan for your daily race, pacing and editing accordingly, you can more fully enjoy the course of the day.
Sincerely,
Genevieve
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Dear One-sided,

You want your husband to be part of the support team, and he doesn't even seem to realize that there is a race on.  I interviewed several moms with a similar bi-cultural marital dynamic. Here is what worked for them:

·         Mom #1 created a positive scenario. She “began with fake praises.” Instead of criticizing her husband, she praised him for what she wanted him to do in front of the kids and played up what he actually did do. She “wanted the kids to have a positive not a negative picture. He then wanted the kids to think of him that way and slowly changed. It worked.” She is very happy with the situation now.

·         Mom #2, a university professor, saw the situation was not going to change and outsourced for help. “Since he’s busy and I’m busy, I got professional help: a full-time housekeeper and babysitter. Otherwise, I cannot work.” 

·         Mom#3 understands the situation won’t change and she and her husband are planning to draw on extended family support. “He watched our toddler for a day and understood the amount of work involved.” He also doesn’t want to take it on. They are currently discussing a move to be near her family so that she can get the help and support she needs, and possibly go back to work part-time.

These are tips from moms in the trenches. Take what you need and leave the rest. You can gently show your support team the course or outsource the support team, either professionally or to family. Ask other moms how they do it. You’d be surprised to find out how easily moms want to share what has worked for them.

Sincerely,

Genevieve
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Dear Stressed in South PA,

Many moms I interviewed talked about their dinnertime strategies and meal plans because they needed just that, some strategies. Other moms feel like they are continually surprised when 5 o’clock rolls around and they haven’t begun to think about what’s for dinner. Instead, they have been out with the kids at various activities, supervising homework projects while keeping younger siblings at bay, or juggling work and carpools, and gee whiz dinner time is here again! Sure, everyone can whip up a pasta dish or dish up some hot dogs, but how do these other moms do it? Here is how some add variety to their dinner meals:

I know that I too am ready to add variety to our weekly meals and have opted to have one child per week pick a “family meal” (not pizza or chicken nuggets) and help make it. We will pick out the recipe, get the ingredients, and cook the meal together. The kids are excited about this, and hopefully they will be more interested in eating the new dish since they have put the time and thought into it.  One of these days, I will start using a crock pot. Try out some of the above tips and tools and see with what works well with your family! It's all about mapping the course, and setting milestones. Getting a meal together is easy if you have "the right stuff" in the house, and there are only two ways to achieve that: shop frequently, or plan well.

Sincerely,

Genevieve
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Dear Dippin’ and Dazed,

First assess your initial expectations or goals. The first part of success is defining what success is.  Do you want to just get through a half hour without anyone bickering, or do you need to get everyone recharged for the next activity or homework assignment?

The mid-afternoon dip is notorious and many people contend with a bit of low blood sugar or lack of energy.  It sounds like you need to plan ahead or “train” for your energy dips.  You are aware of a pattern, which is helpful, and now you can move to a solution. Many moms swear that a bit of protein or fuel powers them and the kids though the mid-afternoon slump. They keep non-perishables such as nuts, powerbars, crackers and cheese or protein shakes handy in the car so that they can take “waterbreaks” wherever they are in the course of the daily Sport of Motherhood. Other moms try to arrive early somewhere and close their eyes for 5 minutes before the pick-up. Still others find that the afternoon latte, tea, soda or glass of icy cold water does the trick.

Rodney Aley, a well-known physical fitness instructor and personal trainer in Palo Alto, suggests some quick push-ups, sit-ups or chest presses to “wake up the body.”  He also recommends a vitamin drink boost such as “Emer’gen-C,” which you can find at local heath food stores such as Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s, to contend with the daily slump.

A family pick-up?  How about a short walk, scooter ride, or bit of basketball to get some fresh air before settling down to do homework? If you pick up the intensity, you will feel more energized. Or put on some fun music with little ones and dance around the house.

Another approach? Aromatherapy can also boost your spirits. Keep some refreshing lemon, vanilla, mint or another favorite scented lotion in your car or in purse. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, say an affirmation or something positive to think about, and you can be on your way. One mom even uses glitter lotion for her girls and gives them a bit of “magic dust” to change the mood.

If you are particularly weary or your patience tank is running on empty, give your kids the heads up.  By letting them in on your limits, you are teaching them healthy coping skills.

Sincerely,

Genevieve
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Dear Double Trouble,

Your concerns are common among families today. How do we give our kids varied opportunities but not at the expense of family time? As the kids get older it can be harder to set limits because kids are specializing earlier and team seasons can spill over into pre-season or year-round practices.

Now is a great time to sit down with your husband and focus on your home team and dynamic. If he and the kids want multiple sports, maybe you can have an activity limit per week. If practices fall on the same days for two different sports, only pick one to go to, even if you could physically make it to two.

I recently interviewed someone whose family has decided that homework has to be done first. Then the child can go to practice.  One time the child showed up during the first inning for a baseball game, but had completed his homework.

What is the tone in your home? You get to set the pace taking into account your own family’s need and dynamics. Be sure to schedule some family down time or “water breaks” on your calendar. In your case, this could mean getting the whole family involved in a sport such as hiking, tennis, boating, surfing, swimming, skiing, etc. A Saturday to the beach or mountains may mean missing a game, but it will be worth it in the long run.

Genevieve
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Dear Exhausted and Lonely,

You and your husband are currently on different race courses. How can you find some common ground? Sounds like you two need to sit down and come up with some strategies together. He has to leave by 6am. So you need to work with that fact.

You can try going to bed a bit later with the understanding that you get some focused “date time” or “just the two of you time” before bed. One way to recharge since this is your usual bedtime is to take a shower or bath and wash the kid-day off of you. It can help you take off your mom hat and put on your “wife” or “interesting individual” hat! Meet in the living room with a cup of hot chocolate or a glass of lemon water.  You can talk, play cards or a board game, or even watch a movie now and then. The focused time together will give you the boost you want.

You can also flip it around and both get up a bit earlier when you are fresh. Have a leisurely breakfast together in the wee hours before the kids get up.   You may be a little more tired at first, but in a week or two, you will soon find your stride.

Genevieve
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Dear Just a Mommy,

Just so you know, you are not alone. Many couples have to address these issues, especially around the birth of new children or career changes.  It sounds like you two are ready for a talk about teamwork. Together you create the solid base upon which your family can stand.

We get to make choices in our marriages. How we choose to talk to each other. How we want our marriages to play out.  If one person does not feel as valued, she can set the tone in the home for the whole family.  The old saying, “If mama isn’t happy, nobody’s happy” has a lot of truth to it!

Here are some tips you can try to lighten your load and get you back on course. Talk openly about how you can support each other and the kind of language that needs to be used. Maybe your husband is not aware of how he’s saying things to you. Does he give the message that he supports you and values the work you do in front of the children? Let him know that they will pick up on his signals. Remind him that people who are good at what they do can make anything look easy. Maybe he also needs you to tell him how much you value what he does.

Show him your Sport of Motherhood training schedule. Try writing down your daily to-do list, including loads of laundry, dishes and snack/meal prep, so that he and the kids can see what you do each day.  This can help him if you are sick or away. Go out with your girlfriends for a day and let him have the kids, the responsibilities and the household. He can enjoy the time with the kids and gain some more appreciation for what you do each day. You get to design and travel this course together, but sometimes you need to nudge each other to get on the same path.

Genevieve
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Dear Mountain Mom in North Carolina,

You can review all angles of the day and ask yourself what is the over-arching goal? For example, a family outing or stroll around town is vastly different from running errands. What is the cost or impact of making the trip? Will it just tire you or the little one out so that the day is long? Is a quality naptime more of a priority than shopping, which can be boring to the little one and maybe frantic for you?

This Sport of Mom strategy can help. When feeling overwhelmed by choices, you can go back to "ONE":
O ver-arching Goal (identify)
N ecessary (ask yourself if optional)
E nergy (what is your energy level like - Is the family up for it?)

Ages and stages will pass. One day you are sleep deprived and need your energy and stamina for night duty. A few weeks later, you and baby are more rested and used to a new routine. Sounds like the trip to town might be nice if you streamline your to-do list by paring down essentials, or waiting to go until you need to run several errands to make it worth your travel time.

Sincerely,
Genevieve
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Send Genevieve your questions, tips, and tools. You can email her at gen@sportofmotherhood.com.